Healthy Living and The Nightmare Of It

Dear you,

Before you begin this post, you take a moment to remember the many insensitive things that are happening right now in this world and you understand that this is a sensitive topic to some, but you know that you need to write it. The kind of topic perceived as a norm for those who grew up in a shallow-minded household. The kind of topic that you would rather not have one at all.

You are talking about body image.

In a society that is hell-bent in giving women hell for having a protruding belly or thunder thighs, it is difficult for girls to love their bodies especially when these snide comments hit close to home.

Certain remarks like “you’re too fat eat less” or “you’re too thin eat more”, even though you knew that you are trying your best and hearing their comments isn’t helping anything but only give you hopelessness. Most of these comments are from whom who has a certain image or a stereotype about what they want a woman to look like, the kind of body shape that they want a woman to have.

Moreover, you must fit that mould.

It is upsetting and disgusting.

You experience those snide remarks first-hand once you turned twenty-four. You have started changing your lifestyle habits and going to the gym. Maybe it is because of the sudden change of food intake, you gained from 50kg until 60kg. It gradually increased even though you quit the gym, and only ran or swam. The heaviest you have gotten was 74kg.

Thanks to the sudden weight gain, you get uncalled comments about your body. They say, “You’ve gained weight, you should lose some.” They talk as if you don’t look in the mirror every day and see your body in its profound glory. They talk as if you don’t have eyes and notice that you increased two sizes, your old clothes don’t fit you right anymore.

You get comments like “you should lose weight, or you will never be able to find a husband” (because you’re fat).

Why would your potential husband not marry you because of your body shape and size? Isn’t that notion pretentious and shallow? Is that what a man finds for in a woman when they chose to marry? Then he can go fuck himself.

Sleazy eyes were following your every step, focused on that certain body part until you started to hate it and had to cover it, in a bid to stop those fucking eyes from latching on.

It’s like they had never seen a butt before in their lifetime. You wished you could’ve gouged their eyes out or turn them to stone, like Medusa.

Sometimes you hate it.

Sometimes you feel like staying at home, so you’d be away from those naughty eyes.

Sometimes.

So, you seek for others like you.

Reading thousands of articles about body positivity and the ways to accept such changes has allowed you to stop yourself from going over the edge, in a bid to get rid of the “fat” and retain your old body.

You were okay with your body; you accepted the jiggly parts, the protruding belly, the thunder thighs but honestly, there were days that you simply wished those comments would disappear.

You didn’t understand why women must be at a certain body shape / weight just for the sake of appealing to the male counterparts. Like as if you were a prized object meant to be ogled and placed on a shelf.

It unnerved you, made you disgusted and you tried to create a more positive thinking towards approaching the matter because you know how disastrous your mind could be. You didn’t want to fall into the danger zone because you could feel yourself loosening the tight grip that you have from going overboard.

You didn’t want to lose weight just because they told you to.

You didn’t want to do that because they don’t control your life.

You are in control of your own life, your own body and your freedom.

You didn’t want stupid people with their equally stupid comments to derail you from what you are.

You are beautiful and you know it.

So, you decided, instead of losing weight because of such and such, you want to be healthier – eat more greens, fruits and drink more plain water. Avoid junk food and sugary foods. Adopting a healthier lifestyle will help you in the long run in maintaining a healthy body.

That was your aim – a healthier body.

With the new lifestyle comes the effort, staving off the oily, salty, sweet food were not easy. Your hormone levels made you even hungrier than some days, and even though it is easy to say it, it isn’t easy to do it. Despite that, be gentle to yourself.

You have gone through a lot of shit.

You don’t need to be hard on yourself when you “break the diet” and eat something savoury. Please don’t feel guilty in pampering yourself because you wanted to eat chocolate or cake or candy or chips. Eat them. Savour them. And get back to the diet the next day. That “cheat day” won’t hurt you. It’ll make your diet go easier as your body won’t be craving for it any longer.

The continuous effort in achieving a healthy body with a stronger mind is still in progress; a working project and one that you are sure that you could pull off.

To tell you the truth, it is very easy to fall into the “lose weight quickly” fad that’s been happening everywhere in the internet. You are tempted in the idea of losing weight fast, but it is damaging to your health, due to the small calorie intake to lose the weight fast.

Please, if you’re reading this and you’re attempting to lose weight, please please be gentle to yourself. Losing weight healthily is a slow process.

Take the time to love your body, even though it’s hard.

Take the time to acknowledge your body, even though it’s hard.

If you can’t, then it’s okay.

Remember, you’re beautiful no matter the shape nor size of your body.

You’re ending this post with a hopeful beginning, ready to be healthy again.

With love,

Alina.

The Irony of Self-Development

Dear you,

You remembered the moments where your mum told you that you can’t go out with your friends to play basketball and the frustration that you felt when she berated you for choosing friends over family. You shed tears of anger as she scolded you, for wanting to go out and have fun over staying at home during the holidays.

This is a reminder to you. You did a great job growing up from that. Granted it wasn’t that great, but you blossomed nonetheless. You didn’t understand why your mum was controlling till now, but you simply accepted your fate and you’ve never felt more alone than before.

While your other friends are going out and having fun, you had to choose either to break the rules, follow the rules or bide your time for it. You played it smart and had to learn the hard way.

You did your best. You really did. Look where you are now.

And that’s why you implore to your future self.

Never ever make your future children go through the same pain that you had gone through when you were a kid. Let them have their freedom, teach them the wrongs, the goods and the bad. Teach them everything. Set up a safe word if they feel uncomfortable. Let them have their fun.

Life is tough as it is.

Growing up in such an environment forces you to grow up faster, forces you to adapt to the situation quickly, and robs you of your growing phases. It turns you into a bitter, cynical and anxious person. Your parents would have said that it was for your own good, but you wonder why chaining you at home is good.

For having turned twenty-six, you see a little improvement in your freedom because you’re an adult now but realistically, it took your parents that long to open up to you having a social life, so you tend to wonder how you’re going to take the next step in life without them overseeing everything.

It’s certainly bittersweet.

This post is set as a reminder to yourself, to be gentle to yourself, and your future children. To trust them to take the proper steps that you’ve instilled in them since young. It is to remind yourself that you deserved the world, the freedom and to taste the excitement of life.

You deserved it, truly.

Till then,

Alina.

second post on the second day of the new year

Dear you,

Two days has passed into the new year. Here you are sitting in front of the desktop, attempting to write a post. Ironically, as this is a reminder to you in the future, you wanted to write more on self-development but instead, you wanted to write about what had happened between the 31st to 1st Jan.

You had mentioned in the previous post that you were at home after a half-day at work, but you didn’t elaborate why. Your boyfriend was busy with work, your only friend was busy with work and your brother had other plans, so you had little choice but to head back home.

You even slept through the NYE celebrations because you had work on the 1st. Thinking that everything was fine and dandy. On the morning of the 1st, you’re in the bus on the way to work and you were mindlessly scrolling through Instagram when you pressed on your only friend’s Insta-story. She posts daily, so you were expecting it to be a lot about her work and such.

However, you found out that she lied to you about not being free to spend the day with you and she spent the day out with her colleague. You were expecting a ball to drop in your stomach, but nothing happened so you simply exited the app and stared off into space, wondering why she had to lie.

A little background with your friend.

She’s been your friend since secondary school when you were fifteen, kept in contact and went out a couple of times till you’re both twenty-six. Both holding different jobs, but the friendship was still there.

You thought that since you were both adults, there was no need to keep the truth from each other. If she doesn’t want to spend the day with you, she could’ve just said so and not give a white lie. It was a simple thing. But why be so stupid to post in on Insta-story where you could see it?

Does it mean that she doesn’t really care about your feelings?

Does that mean that you were nothing to her?

You ponder and ponder, wondering if this was worth it. The friendship that you shared, the many years being friends were not something to be taken lightly but the many promises that she made; going travelling together and going to watch a musical were not kept. You were cast aside where she went to spend it with her other friends.

Honestly, we were supposed to go overseas together, with another friend but she ended up going a trip with her colleagues and you had to find out at the last minute, like you were a trash bin by the corner. You handled it pretty well, but you couldn’t help and wonder why you were cast aside.

Amongst all of the friends that you had in your youth, you were always the one forgotten.

It was painful to admit, and you lost hope in being friends at all.

It was hard to be understanding, when she wasn’t open to letting you know what her plans were. If she doesn’t want to travel with you, the least she could have done is let you know about it. If she doesn’t want to go to the musical with you, at least she could’ve let you know, and you could’ve gone with another person.

It was simple.

You sound like a prick right now, sorry.

Maybe you are a difficult person to be with. Maybe it is difficult to be friends with you. Maybe it is best if you keep everyone at a distance and focus on improving yourself because all they seem to do is push you away and only find you when they need you the most.

Maybe.

You are ending this post in melancholy, hoping for the best.

Till the next time,

Alina.

The first post on the last day of the year

Dear you,

It’s currently 3.50pm and the last day of 2019, you’re back home after a half day at work. You’ve been meaning to start this post but didn’t really know how to start one and basically begin to write as you speak. Why bother writing this? Why start a blog? You’ve been meaning to do that to improve your writing skills, and you love to write so why not?

Also, these posts acts as a reminder, cringey (mind you) and it’s something to look back to whenever you need it.

This serves as a purpose, a way to improve one self for the new year. You were never for goals and aspirations for the new year, as you tend to deflate after being gung-ho for a few weeks. Daily, weekly or monthly planners are gathering dust as we speak and you wanted a change of pace, so you thought why not start writing down online?

If you can’t continue doing it on paper, it’s (maybe) easier online.

It’s never too late to begin something new. You figured it was worth a shot, and here you are writing a post about it.

An introduction of yourself. You are a twenty-six-year-old female, living in Singapore. A diploma holder in civil engineering and holding a full-time job as one. You have been working in the same job for six years and intending to shift to a different job scope soon. We don’t really stay in the same job for too long.

Year 2019, there were many ups and downs. There were many downs, and little ups you realised. But with your poor memory, you could not remember the ups and merely remember the many downs instead. Feeling rather down, you’ve decided that these blog posts would serve as a reminder of the ups and downs of life, a letter to your future self if she ever needs it.

This is the first post, a post of change and determination.

Cheers,

Alina.